The Two Decorator’s Two

July 17th 2006  

The Two Decorator’s weren’t drinking tea when I called in on them to see how my decorating was progressing but they weren’t decorating either, they were stood about laughing.

“Tell it Mr Atkins,” said the fat one with spots.

“Have you heard about the sixty year old woman stripped off naked in the bedroom Mr Atkins?” said the fat one without spots.

“Have you heard the one about the man who strangled Two Bloody Decorator’s because they weren’t getting on with the job every time he called in?” I said.

“No but me first. Anyway she was stood in the bedroom strip bollock naked, her husband was in bed, and she said to him “Look at me George. Look at my poor body. I’m a ruin. Look at my tits. They used to be small and firm and now they’re big and all hanging down. Look at my belly. It used to be flat, now it’s so big when I look down I can’t see my fairy. And look at my bum. It used to be small and pert and now it’s enormous and all flabby and horrible. I’m a wreck. Is there anything you can say to cheer me up, to comfort me?” And her husband said “Yes, there’s fuck all wrong with your eyesight.”

I had to laugh despite myself because it was such a good joke but then I showed them I meant business. “Where were you two yesterday and the day before?” I said sternly.

“Hear of course.”

“No you weren’t, I kept coming to have a look, you never came near the plaice once.”

“Oh, Yesterday and the day before you mean? No, we were at the other job.”

“What other job? You didn’t say anything to me about having another job, you’re supposed to be doing my job.”

“That’s what the bloke at the other job said when we told him we’d been working hear at your job, but you’re both wrong. We always have two jobs running at the same time in case we come across any snags with one of them.”

And do you steel the tea of the man at the other job like you steel my tea?”

“We didn’t steel your tea, we borrowed it, we told you we’d put it all back.”

“And have you put it all back?”

“Well………a guestimate. We weren’t sure how much we’d borrowed.”

“I thought you were marking it down how many you’d had on the skirting board?”

“Yes but we painted over it. In our rush to get the job done on time. We can strip the paint off and find out if you want but that will put the job back and ….”

“No! Forget that. Get that idea right out of your mind right now.”

I knew I’d been conned but I wasn’t about to give these buggers an excuse for not finishing the job on time, it’s going to be hard enough as it is.

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Razzamatazz

Hi. I’m Terry Ravenscroft, I’m aged 67 and…..whoooah, come back, I’m not ready to have the lid nailed down on my coffin just yet. Anyway I’m a very young 67. (About five years ago I went to see Pulp at the Manchester Evening News Arena. I was older than everyone else by at least 35 years. The eighteen-year-old next to me asked me if I’d ever been to the venue before. I replied ‘Yes I saw George Formby here once’. She’d never heard of him.) This blog is going to be about my life and the way I see things. Before I retired I was a comedy scriptwriter for Les Dawson and Smith and Jones amongst others so there’s a sporting chance that some of the things I write will be funny. One of the reasons I’m writing this blog, although by no means the only reason, is because I have a website www.topcomedy.co.uk which I hope you will log on to occasionally. I have yet to meet anybody who doesn’t like Dear Air 2000…. My hobbies are walking, playing crown green bowls, watching football, birdwatching , cooking, and, according to The Trouble, moaning. Oh, and I have a thing about Kristen Scott Thomas. A couple of people I will be mentioning from time to time are The Trouble and Atkins Down The Road. The Trouble is my wife. I don’t call her The Trouble because it’s cockney rhyming slang for ‘wife, trouble and strife’, but because she has the habit of starting sentences, especially to me, with the words ‘The trouble with you is….’ Then goes on to complete the rest of the sentence with words like ‘you never listen when I’m talking to you’ or ‘you never see the other person’s point of view’ or some such other frivolous complaint. Atkins Down The Road is my best friend and lives, not surprisingly, down the road. I started a weblog a couple of years ago but stopped doing it to write a novel about golf called ‘A Good Walk Spoiled.’ If you want to read the weblog it can be found on my website, if you want to read the novel it can be found on my other website, Razzamatazz, at www.razza.fsnet.co.uk along with lots of other things. Hi. I’m Terry Ravenscroft, I’m aged 67 and…..whoooah, come back, I’m not ready to have the lid nailed down on my coffin just yet. Anyway I’m a very young 67. (About five years ago I went to see Pulp at the Manchester Evening News Arena. I was older than everyone else by at least 35 years. The eighteen-year-old next to me asked me if I’d ever been to the venue before. I replied ‘Yes I saw George Formby here once’. She’d never heard of him.) This blog is going to be about my life and the way I see things. Before I retired I was a comedy scriptwriter for Les Dawson and Smith and Jones amongst others so there’s a sporting chance that some of the things I write will be funny. One of the reasons I’m writing this blog, although by no means the only reason, is because I have a website www.topcomedy.co.uk which I hope you will log on to occasionally. I have yet to meet anybody who doesn’t like Dear Air 2000…. My hobbies are walking, playing crown green bowls, watching football, birdwatching , cooking, and, according to The Trouble, moaning. Oh, and I have a thing about Kristen Scott Thomas. A couple of people I will be mentioning from time to time are The Trouble and Atkins Down The Road. The Trouble is my wife. I don’t call her The Trouble because it’s cockney rhyming slang for ‘wife, trouble and strife’, but because she has the habit of starting sentences, especially to me, with the words ‘The trouble with you is….’ Then goes on to complete the rest of the sentence with words like ‘you never listen when I’m talking to you’ or ‘you never see the other person’s point of view’ or some such other frivolous complaint. Atkins Down The Road is my best friend and lives, not surprisingly, down the road. I started a weblog a couple of years ago but stopped doing it to write a novel about golf called ‘A Good Walk Spoiled.’ If you want to read the weblog it can be found on my website, if you want to read the novel it can be found on my other website, Razzamatazz, at www.razza.fsnet.co.uk along with lots of other things.

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