Month: January 2007

Deed Poll

25th January 2007

Apparently more people are changing their name by deed poll than ever before.

“So you’d like to change your name?”

“Yes please.”

“And what is your name at the moment?”

“Jeremiah Fart.”

“Yes I could see why a name like that might hold you back.”

“It’s done more than hold me back. I’ve never been able to get a job. I tell them my name and they just laugh and say ‘We can’t give you a job with a name like Jeremiah Fart, everyone would laugh at us’. So the sooner I can get it changed the better.”

“Very well.”

“I’d like to be called Ivor Bignob.”

“Yes I bet you would. But unfortunately it doesn’t work like that.”

“No?”

“No. We have a list of names you can choose from. But unfortunately we’ve been rather busy lately and we only have one name left.”

“I’ll take it. What is it?”

“John Prescott.”

(A SHORT PAUSE)  “….I think I’ll stick with Jeremiah Fart.”

Ignore this if you have already read it. My books Dear Air 2000 and Football Crazy are now in print. They are priced at £8.99 each and are available from Amazon, but readers of my blog can buy them direct from me for £7.50 including p & p. Just send me a cheque and I will send the book/books by return.

You can write to me at –

Terry Ravenscroft, 19 Ventura Court, Ollersett Avenue, New Mills, High Peak, SK22 4LL

Dear Air 2000

Football Crazy

Bottom

24th January 2007

I was driving along in the car yesterday when I noticed up ahead of me a lady cyclist with the most wonderful bottom. I’ve always been a bottom man, as opposed to a tit man, so quite naturally, after checking in my rear view mirror that it was safe to do so (I almost called an accident once in a similar situation), I slowed down to get a more relaxed and longer ogle at the luscious lycra-covered derriere. Nearer, it was even more magnificent, and leapt right into my top ten, between Kylie and Beyonce – which is where I wouldn’t mind being.
As soon as I passed her by I looked in the rear view mirror to see what the owner of the lovely bum looked like. As I’ve said, I’m a bottom man first and foremost, a staunch believer in the maxim ‘You don’t look at the mantelpiece when you’re poking the fire’, but given the choice I naturally prefer a girl to be pretty. This girl was very pretty. The only trouble was she was a man. There’s a slight chance, due to the absence of anything that could remotely be described as tits, that it could have been Keira Knightly, but if it was she’s grown a moustache since the last time I saw her photo in the newspapers.
This isn’t the first time something like this has happened of course. To a bottom connoisseur such as I it’s an occupational habit. But it did leave me a little shaken. I mean I’d been fancying a man’s bottom for Christ’s sake! A serial straight like me.
I mentioned the incident to Atkins Down The Road.
“That’s the advantage of being a tit man like me,” he said. “That sort of thing can’t happen to a tit man.”
“What about man tits?” I said. “Lots of men have tits as big as women nowadays.  Bigger. How do you know you haven’t admired a pair of tits which belonged to a man?”
“Well I’d know it was a man wouldn’t I”, said Atkins, surprised at my suggestion. “I’m not so senile that I’ve forgotten what a man looks like.”
”I’m not so sure,” I said. “There are plenty blonde-haired pretty men around, and both sexes wear trousers all the time nowadays, you could very well have lusted after a man and not been aware of it.” 
“Do you think?” said Atkins, not so sure of himself now.
“More likely than not in my opinion,” I said. “More likely than not. Probably a certainty.”
“Shit!” said Atkins.
Atkins was now as shaken as I had been. I felt a lot better about it. A concern shared is a concern halved.

Ignore this if you have already read it. My books Dear Air 2000 and Football Crazy are now in print. They are priced at £8.99 each and are available from Amazon, but readers of my blog can buy them direct from me for £7.50 including p & p. Just send me a cheque and I will send the book/books by return.

You can write to me at –

Terry Ravenscroft, 19 Ventura Court, Ollersett Avenue, New Mills, High Peak, SK22 4LL

Dear Air 2000

Football Crazy

Poles Apart

23rd January 2007

Thanks to the influx of Poles in our town recently Atkins Down The Road and I have a new daft game. It’s called Pretending To Be Polish and we played it for the first time today during the half hour journey on the train from New Mills to Manchester. During the off peak hours the trains are emptier than an MP’s promise so as usual we had the whole coach to ourselves.
The game started when the conductor came round shortly after we’d boarded the train. “Tickets please,” the conductor announced cheerily. He didn’t stay cheery for long.
“Warsaw,” I said, taking out my wallet.
“Pardon?”
“Warsaw. Come back Englands.”
“Return,” said Atkins. “He mean Warsaw return.”
“We don’t go to Warsaw. Manchester, that’s where we go”
“Warsaw,” I repeated, a bit more firmly, taking a fiver from my wallet.
“We don’t go to Warsaw. We only go to Piccadilly.”
“Piccalilli?”
“Piccadilly! It’s the terminus.”
Atkins came to the rescue again. He pointed to me. “Pole.” Then he pointed at himself. “Pole.” Then he held up two fingers. “Three Poles. No spik English very gut. No understand.”
“Warsaw,” I said, pushing the fiver into the conductor’s hand.
“For the last time we don’t go to fucking Warsaw,” said the no longer cheery Conductor.
Atkins’s face lit up. “Understand fucking,” he said. “Fucking awful weather. Fucking Scouse bastards.”
“Warsaw,” I said. “No Piccalilli.”

The conductor spelled it out slowly. We…do…not…go…to…Warsaw! Go….Manchester!”
The conductor’s slowly enunciated words obviously made sense to my fellow Pole because Atkins now gave a huge beam. “Go Manchester!” he said. The conductor smiled. Atkins continued. “Go Manchester United! Manchester United go! Wayne Rooney, Cristiano Ronaldo,Go! Please don’t take out Socks Jar away.”

“Red Navy!” I said.
“Army,” said Atkins.
“Army Navy!” I said.

“Oh bollocks to this,” said the conductor, and went on his way.
It was almost as rewarding  as playing blind men.

Ignore this if you have already read it. My books Dear Air 2000 and Football Crazy are now in print. They ar e priced at £8.99 each and are available from Amazon, but readers of my blog can buy them direct from me for £7.50 including p & p. Just send me a cheque and I will send the book/books by return.

You can write to me at –

Terry Ravenscroft, 19 Ventura Court, Ollersett Avenue, New Mills, High Peak, SK22 4LL

You can write to me at –

Terry Ravenscroft, 19 Ventura Court, Ollersett Avenue, New Mills, High Peak, SK22 4LL

Dear Air 2000

Football Crazy

First Gentleman

22nd January 2007

THE CLINTONS ARE HAVING BREAKFAST.

“Hey Hilary honey, do you realise that if you make President that ah’ll be the First Gentleman.”

“We might just have a problem there, Honey”

“Honey?”

“Well what on earth makes you think that you could ever be called a gentleman, Bill?”

“No, ah’ll make it honey, you can be sure of that. Ah’ve already started giving up mah seat on the subway and holding doors open for ladies.”

“I think it might take a bit more than holding doors open, Hon.”

“There is more. Ah prefer blondes. And they do say that gentlemen prefers blondes, don’t they.”

“Monica Lewinsky wasn’t a blonde as ah recall.”

“Who?”

“And that’s another thing. I think you’ll find that Gentleman don’t go around having their cocks sucked by other women.”

“That gal was lahing, Hon. Ah’ve told you before. That was a big fat lah that girl told.”

“Surely you’re not still denying that bitch gave you a blow job are you?”

“Like ah’ve already explained a hundred times, Hon, ah’d been bitten by a snake and Monica was sucking out the poison.”

“The only snake she was sucking was you trouser snake, Bill. Anyway this conversation is academic because if I make it to the White House I’m going to ditch you and have someone else as my First Gentleman.”

“What!”

“Congressman Northcott.”

”Congressman Northcott? But that guy is nothing but a pussy licker, Honey, just as goddamn pussy licker.”

“Yes?”

“Ignore this if you have already read it. My books Dear Air 2000 and Football Crazy are now in print. They are priced at £8.99 each and are available from Amazon, but readers of my blog can buy them direct from me for £7.50 including p & p. Just send me a cheque and I will send the book/books by return.

You can write to me at –

Terry Ravenscroft, 19 Ventura Court, Ollersett Avenue, New Mills, High Peak, SK22 4LL

You can write to me at –

Terry Ravenscroft, 19 Ventura Court, Ollersett Avenue, New Mills, High Peak, SK22 4LL

Dear Air 2000

Football Crazy