9th February 2007
My eldest grandson has been in trouble with the police. It was a football spectator thing, nothing bad or serious, no one was hurt, it was as much the exuberance of youth as anything.
Part of the dossier the police compiled in bringing a case against him read – ‘He was observed entering a fish and chip shop and five minutes later he was seen leaving carrying a package’. Well there’s a surprise!
I don’t know about anyone else but personally I have never yet entered a fish and chip shop without leaving with a package, usually one containing fish and chips, or sometimes steak pudding and chips, often with mushy peas.
I wonder what the Old Bill suspected might be in the package? Semtex? Crack cocaine? Kiddie porn? Or perhaps it was none of these, perhaps it was something far worse …..
POLICEMAN: Oy! Yes, you Sunshine. What’s in that suspicious-looking package?
SUSPECT: This? Well it’s…..
POLICEMAN: Save the lies. Open it up.
THE SUSPECT OPENS THE PACKAGE
POLICEMAN: Just as I expected – fish and chips!
SUSPECT: Well….yes.
POLICEMAN: And just what do you intend doing with this…. fish and chips?
SUSPECT: Well I had thought I might eat them.
POLICEMAN: Eat them? Get rid of the evidence you mean? Yes, I should think you might, given the chance.
SUSPECT: Evidence? What are you talking about. Evidence against what?
POLICEMAN: Carrying a lethal weapon for starters.
SUSPECT: A lethal weapon?
POLICEMAN: Are you trying to deny that that ten inch long piece of battered haddock wouldn’t cause a fatal injury if you were to bring it down on somebody’s head?
SUSPECT: I’m not going to bring it down on somebody’s head.
POLICEMAN: So you say. Get in the car, you’re nicked.
Ignore this if you have already read it. My books Dear Air 2000 and Football Crazy are now in print. They are priced at £8.99 each and are available from Amazon, but readers of my blog can buy them direct from me for £7.50 including p & p. Just send me a cheque and I will send the book/books by return.
You can write to me at –
Terry Ravenscroft, 19 Ventura Court, Ollersett Avenue, New Mills, High Peak, SK22 4LL
Dear Air 2000
Football Crazy
Published by
Razzamatazz
Hi. I’m Terry Ravenscroft, I’m aged 67 and…..whoooah, come back, I’m not ready to have the lid nailed down on my coffin just yet. Anyway I’m a very young 67. (About five years ago I went to see Pulp at the Manchester Evening News Arena. I was older than everyone else by at least 35 years. The eighteen-year-old next to me asked me if I’d ever been to the venue before. I replied ‘Yes I saw George Formby here once’. She’d never heard of him.)
This blog is going to be about my life and the way I see things. Before I retired I was a comedy scriptwriter for Les Dawson and Smith and Jones amongst others so there’s a sporting chance that some of the things I write will be funny. One of the reasons I’m writing this blog, although by no means the only reason, is because I have a website www.topcomedy.co.uk which I hope you will log on to occasionally. I have yet to meet anybody who doesn’t like Dear Air 2000….
My hobbies are walking, playing crown green bowls, watching football, birdwatching , cooking, and, according to The Trouble, moaning. Oh, and I have a thing about Kristen Scott Thomas.
A couple of people I will be mentioning from time to time are The Trouble and Atkins Down The Road. The Trouble is my wife. I don’t call her The Trouble because it’s cockney rhyming slang for ‘wife, trouble and strife’, but because she has the habit of starting sentences, especially to me, with the words ‘The trouble with you is….’ Then goes on to complete the rest of the sentence with words like ‘you never listen when I’m talking to you’ or ‘you never see the other person’s point of view’ or some such other frivolous complaint. Atkins Down The Road is my best friend and lives, not surprisingly, down the road.
I started a weblog a couple of years ago but stopped doing it to write a novel about golf called ‘A Good Walk Spoiled.’ If you want to read the weblog it can be found on my website, if you want to read the novel it can be found on my other website, Razzamatazz, at www.razza.fsnet.co.uk along with lots of other things.
Hi. I’m Terry Ravenscroft, I’m aged 67 and…..whoooah, come back, I’m not ready to have the lid nailed down on my coffin just yet. Anyway I’m a very young 67. (About five years ago I went to see Pulp at the Manchester Evening News Arena. I was older than everyone else by at least 35 years. The eighteen-year-old next to me asked me if I’d ever been to the venue before. I replied ‘Yes I saw George Formby here once’. She’d never heard of him.)
This blog is going to be about my life and the way I see things. Before I retired I was a comedy scriptwriter for Les Dawson and Smith and Jones amongst others so there’s a sporting chance that some of the things I write will be funny. One of the reasons I’m writing this blog, although by no means the only reason, is because I have a website www.topcomedy.co.uk which I hope you will log on to occasionally. I have yet to meet anybody who doesn’t like Dear Air 2000….
My hobbies are walking, playing crown green bowls, watching football, birdwatching , cooking, and, according to The Trouble, moaning. Oh, and I have a thing about Kristen Scott Thomas.
A couple of people I will be mentioning from time to time are The Trouble and Atkins Down The Road. The Trouble is my wife. I don’t call her The Trouble because it’s cockney rhyming slang for ‘wife, trouble and strife’, but because she has the habit of starting sentences, especially to me, with the words ‘The trouble with you is….’ Then goes on to complete the rest of the sentence with words like ‘you never listen when I’m talking to you’ or ‘you never see the other person’s point of view’ or some such other frivolous complaint. Atkins Down The Road is my best friend and lives, not surprisingly, down the road.
I started a weblog a couple of years ago but stopped doing it to write a novel about golf called ‘A Good Walk Spoiled.’ If you want to read the weblog it can be found on my website, if you want to read the novel it can be found on my other website, Razzamatazz, at www.razza.fsnet.co.uk along with lots of other things.
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my bro in law’s a copper. This story is frighteningly true of todays police force. It was probably my bro in law that stopped him. He’s a dick.
It depends which chip shop he went into. I’ve been in a few where the haddock probably could be used as a lethal weapon.
just had a ‘sort of’ run in with plod this morning. I ache all over – nowt to do with them exactly I hasten to add. I’m staying in bed for the rest of the day. It’s safer.